Why “Should” Is a Dirty Word: Releasing Neurotypical Expectations

Emily Linder
Jun 26
6 min read

“I should be able to do this without help.”

“I should already have figured this out.”

“I should get up earlier. Should meal prep. Should answer that text.”

Sound familiar?

If you’re neurodivergent, living with ADHD, autism, anxiety, sensory processing differences, or any other brain that colors outside the neurotypical lines, you likely have an inner narrator who loves the word “should.” And every time that word shows up, it delivers a message that is heavy, guilt-soaked, and based on expectations that may not have ever been made with you in mind.

In this post, we’re giving “should” the side-eye it deserves. We’ll explore how the pressure to function like neurotypical people fuels shame, how to start defining success on your own terms, and why asking “what actually works for me?” is one of the most powerful shifts you can make in your self-talk.

Part I: The Tyranny of "Should"

The word “should” wears a lot of disguises. Sometimes it’s cloaked in self-improvement:“I should drink more water.” “I should clean the house today.”

Other times it’s coated in comparison:“Everyone else can do this so I should be able to too.”

But under all its masks, “should” carries a simple but toxic implication:You’re not okay the way you are. You’d be better if you just worked harder, tried more, or did it “right.”

For neurodivergent people, the stakes are even higher. Because society doesn’t just hand you a rulebook, it hands you a neurotypical rulebook. One that assumes things like:

You’ll remember what you need without visual prompts.
You’ll focus as long as the task requires.
You’ll regulate your energy to match your to-do list.
You’ll intuitively know how to navigate group dynamics, timelines, routines, or personal boundaries.

These expectations aren’t neutral. They’re built into our schools, workplaces, and cultural ideas of what “functioning” looks like. And when your brain processes the world differently, these standards quickly become internalized as shame.

Part II: When “Should” Becomes Shame

Let’s talk about shame for a moment, not the productive kind that nudges us to make amends or reflect, but the sticky, corrosive kind. The kind that whispers, “There’s something wrong with me,” not “This strategy didn’t work.”

Shame thrives in the gap between expectation and reality.

If you’re expected to wake up at 6 AM, journal, do yoga, make a protein-packed breakfast, check emails, and start work with energy and focus , but your body and brain resist that rhythm, you start to think the problem is you.

You don’t blame the morning routine for being incompatible with your sleep cycle or executive functioning needs. You blame yourself for not being “disciplined” enough. For being lazy. For lacking willpower.

And here’s the thing: You can’t shame yourself into neurotypicality. Trust me, if it worked, we’d all be seamlessly managing our inboxes with color-coded calendars and 30-day meal plans. But shame doesn’t create motivation. It creates paralysis.

Part III: Neurotypical Success ≠ Universal Success

What does it even mean to “function well”? For many, the answer defaults to neurotypical productivity: efficiency, routine, emotional regulation, consistency, and social ease.

But these aren't universal metrics of worth. They're culturally conditioned values that ignore the very real diversity in how human brains operate.

Let’s reframe it.

Success doesn’t have to mean being able to do all the things all the time. It can mean:

Finding one morning ritual that helps you feel grounded, even if it’s just brushing your teeth with music playing.
Knowing that responding to texts immediately doesn’t reflect your love or loyalty.
Honoring your capacity to focus in short bursts and designing your work around that rhythm.
Allowing yourself to tap out when sensory overload is rising, even if everyone else is “fine.”

When you let go of the idea that “success” means doing things the way others do them, you open the door to defining what thriving looks like for you.

Part IV: The Power of Asking “What Works for Me?”

So how do you start replacing “should” with something more self-honoring?

Try this: every time you catch a “should” in your self-talk, pause and ask instead, “What actually

works for me?”

Let’s break that down in practice.

Example 1: The Should

“I should be able to work a full 8-hour day without distractions.”→ “What works for me?”“I focus best in 90-minute sprints with body breaks in between. I can organize my workload to honor that.”

Example 2: The Should

“I should enjoy social events like everyone else.”→ “What works for me?”“I enjoy one-on-one connection more than big groups. I can plan small meetups and leave larger events early.”

Example 3: The Should

“I should be more productive on weekends.”→ “What works for me?” “Weekends are for nervous system recovery. I recharge best with quiet, unstructured time, and that’s productive in its own way.”

This isn’t about lowering the bar. It’s about building a better one. One that actually reflects your values, your needs, your strengths.

Part V: Shifting Your Language, Softening Your Expectations

Language matters. The words we use to talk to ourselves become the beliefs we carry.

Try gently rephrasing “should” statements in a way that invites curiosity or compassion. Here are a few swaps you might try:

Instead of…	Try saying…
“I should have finished that by now.”	“What got in the way, and what support do I need?”
“I should be able to focus.”	“What helps me focus, and can I do more of that?”
“I should want to do this.”	“Do I actually want this—or am I chasing a ‘should’?”
“I should push through.”	“Would resting now help me come back stronger?”

These aren’t just semantic tweaks, they’re mindset shifts. You’re choosing inquiry over accusation. Self-trust over self-blame.

Part VI: Success, Redefined

Let’s imagine for a moment that you threw out the “shoulds.” You stopped measuring your days by how much you crossed off your list, or how well you mimicked the behaviors of people whose brains work differently than yours.

What would be left?

Maybe:

Moments of peace in a loud world.
The freedom to work with your energy, not against it.
The quiet pride of figuring out systems that support your real life, not some aspirational version of it.

Redefining success might mean:

Resting before you hit burnout.
Letting a task take longer if it means it gets done with less stress.
Setting up visual cues, alarms, or reminders, not as crutches, but as tools that honor how your brain works best.
Asking for help, not because you’ve failed, but because collaboration is valid and wise.

Part VII: Your Brain Is Not a Problem to Fix

Let’s say it loud for the people in the back: Your brain is not broken.

It might be wired differently than what society expects, but that doesn’t make it defective. It makes it yours.

And the more you swap “should” for “what supports me?”, the more you begin to build a life that is actually sustainable. Actually joyful. Actually yours.

That life won’t always look like what’s on productivity blogs or lifestyle reels. It might not include 5 AM journaling, inbox zero, or Marie Kondo-level minimalism. But it will include ease. Integrity. Enoughness.

Final Thoughts: Burn the Rulebook, Build Your Own

“Should” is seductive. It masquerades as discipline and growth. But too often, it’s a shortcut to shame, especially for neurodivergent folks who are already trying to function in a world not designed with them in mind.

So here’s your invitation:

Notice the “shoulds.”
Replace them with curiosity.
Build your own definitions of enough.
Make space for the supports that actually work for you.

Life doesn’t come with one correct operating system. And thank goodness for that.

You don’t have to fit into neurotypical expectations to live a rich, connected, meaningful life. You just have to find the rhythms that let you feel like yourself, and honor the fact that that’s more than enough.

Disclaimer: This content is NOT meant to be a replacement for therapy. This is also not treatment advice or crisis services. The purpose of this content is to provide education and some corny fun. If you are interested in receiving therapy look up a therapist near you! If you are in Columbus, Ohio visit www.calibrationscc.com to schedule with one of our counselors today! We offer free video consultation calls so you can make sure we will be a good fit for you.